Knowledgik

All of the small things about you have lost meaning for me.

There are certainly enough hours in the day. And Lord knows, there have certainly been enough days. Getting treated like moldy bread by you made me numb to things long ago. It’s a wonder that I can actually look at you without that queasiness creeping into the right side of my gut. A feeling like some vile bodily fluid building up at the back of my mouth.

And, sometimes, I think it’s a damn shame that we ever met.

Because every day, I let it happen again, and again, and again. By someone who means less than you meant to me. By someone whose kiss I’ll never feel, who will never drawl out my name like you, by someone who touches me then flinches away…very unlike the coy grab of the inside of my arm by my elbow.

Damnit. I wish that I could make this all stop. I wish I weren’t so focused on things like this.

Today someone told me that they didn’t know why I let her treat me like crap. Told me that I should push her, because unitl she realized that no one will ever be like me to her ever again in her life, I will never be satisfied. I thought about it, but I probably never will. Because hating her is even easier than hating you.

Trying to hate you is still really hard. I still have to make a conscious effort to ignore you when you call, to be frigid when you touch me. When you ask me how my day is going, and then instantly segue into what i can do for you, you make it so easy.

The forbidden nature of us, when we were us, makes me sad about how much time and energy i spent. It didn’t really end up being something that was worth our time. Thinking about it, i feel a somniferous aura drift over me, like a thick fog over a backwoods lake.

I think I may try to get some sleep now, but I think I just thought I would thank you. For letting everyone bring out the part of me I dislike the most. But also, for making it easier for me to know when I’m being an idiot.